I have been thinking ("Gaston! That is a very dangerous task!")* while listening to teenage rock (Paramore, Bowling for Soup and the like…) and thinking teenage thoughts along the lines of my outfit for tomorrow and my unhealthy attachment to the colour purple. I've been thinking.
I've been thinking. What is a grown up? What makes a person an adult? What makes a person able to vote rationally and reasonably in government elections? To decide such monumental thing. (My country just recently had municipal elections) but as the title implies, this isn't about voting, its about people and growing up. What does it mean to grow up? I'm not going to be stupid and mention vertical growth because, I'm a shrimp and like I said, that would be stupid. What does it mean to grow up? What does it mean to grow up? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO GROW UP??? This question has been assailing me lately; I don't quite know what it means. Not yet anyway. What do we know already? Let's explore…
Growing up is about leaving youth behind, youth being the period where people prepare for adult responsibilities, define their identities and make choices about their futures with regards to vocation, marriage, politics, religion etc.-As per the theories outlined by James Marcia, and Errikson. Don't ask me what Errikson's first name is. I don't know- Growing up is coming out of this… process. On the otherside. A person. Childhood Is for enjoyment, for learning how to walk, to talk, to think hypothetically (As per Piaget's theories) to gain basic skills needed to function in society. Adolescence is for physical maturation our brains develop but as we experienced and as has been documented, the emotional sides of our brains develop fastest in our teenage years, the rational "Hey, maybe he actually DOESN'T love me and is just trying to get into my pants" side of us is slower in developing resulting in this: Mom "He's using you sweetie. Trust me, this isn't love. He'll be a vague memory one day. He isn't the great love of your life. You're 15 years old. Daughter "Oh but I love him!". What comes afterwards? You're no longer a child. You can walk, talk, ride a bike. You now have been through puberty, the ugly phase, acne, backne. Now what? How do you get from here, to adulthood. To a place where you can make decisions on your own. Long term, life changing and deciding decisions. Now what?
I find myself at this place. I'm not yet an adult. I don't want to be. I hold no mistaken notions about the awesomeness of adulthood. I know it sucks some days. And the responsibilities are… I know its not as awesome as its made out to be. I know. Yet I no longer fit into that category of giggling around corners and listening to Paramore, (They are nice for nostalgia, however, I can no longer relate). I am no longer dictated to by the hormones that have taken so many before me and will take many after me. As a result of this forceful ejection from this sphere of life in which I found such profound comfort I feel equally profound discomfort in this… region of in-between.
I don't wish to wake up tomorrow and find myself settled and fully matured. That removes the awesomeness from this journey called life. Because as has been many a time recited in lame cheesy cards, it's the journey. Not the destination.
I have found that growing up is a series of realisations. I realise that certain things just aren't okay for me. I realise the kind of people I do and don't want in my life. I realise how choices I have made and that have been made for me have consequences. Everything has consequences. The biggest one for me thus far has been the realisation of the fact that I have choice [On a side note, read East of Eden. It WILL change your life. I'm not being facetious here. It will.] Even if life dealt you a crappy set of cards, Timshel à Thou Mayest. You have choice. I have choice.
I am still ambivalent about the concept of self-knowledge. I don't fully know myself yet. My self-awareness is improving. Slowly. But surely. However, how can we profess to know ourselves if we're ever changing? Who is Marcia? Ask me tomorrow and I'll have a different answer for you. However the fundamentals remain the same. Maybe that's what matters. I don't know… I just don't know. I know what I am. The jury is still out on who I am. I know who I want to be though. That's step 1.
Come to think of it, I think that's an adult. Someone who fully, honestly and thoroughly understand that in everything, there is a choice. No such thing as "It just happened" and the other go-to excuses we use, giving away responsibility for our failures… In everything there is a choice. And every choice has repercussions. (I have a physics exam on Monday and it must be said… ) For every Action there is an Equal but Opposite reaction. When people can make choices and understand that there will be consequences to follow as a result of them. Someone that knows themselves. Someone who knows their soul, in other words, someone who understands what's important to them, what they believe. What they love. That's who I hope to be one day. I hope to one day be an adult who my loved ones can be proud of. Someone my amazing mother will be proud to have raised. Who this unsure 18 year old girl sitting on her bed musing about life will be proud to become. I want to grow up. But not too fast. Where's the fun in that??
